Trying to cut across mundanity with my passion for life and all things quirky!
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Feelings of a Keratoconus patient after reading 'The Kite Runner'
I am writing this while reading the Kite Runner, a book that people usually read in school; but for some reason I never did. And now that I am, tears aren't stopping. My mother might kill me for this, my father might not talk to me and my brother would suggest me to take this post down but I won't, because today I want to share. I have written a lot of articles regarding this but somehow I never had the courage to post it but something happened to me while reading 'The Kite Runner' and I found myself in Sohrab.
His struggle all of a sudden became too much to handle for me and it reminded me of my pain as a keratoconus patient. Keratoconus is a form of visual distortion. One in every 2000 people have this disease. A friend once said it sounds common. Maybe it's not or maybe it is. But does every keratoconus patient have the fear of going blind one day? Is it that severe in every case? I am not so sure. In the book when the guy says he doesn't want to go to another orphanage or asks Amir what if you get bored of me? I imagine myself saying something similar to my parents. ''Are you tired of taking care of me?'' I know they never will be if my situation gets worse. I sometimes do feel like a burden on them. I am not allowed to drive which increases my dependence on them. Every time I use my phone my father says his heart aches because he is scared!
I can't really see anything from the left eye and the number of the right one is pretty high for me to even remember it. We don't have glasses for a number like mine. Lenses aren't good. Yes, they aren't! Ever seen a doctor with lenses? I am sure not! And have you ever seen an eye surgery? It's scary, it's long and there is no guarantee that it will be successful. Also, my operation isn't a simple lasik operation, no, it's not that! For the left it's corneal transplant and for the right it's C3R and after that lenses!
I am taking natural medicines that aren't helping me reduce my number anymore(yes, they did help me before) because I am using my phone on a daily basis and laptop as I type this to share my story with you all. No matter how hard I try I somehow cannot stay away from them for a really long time. Precisely because it gets lonely. Really lonely. I am a human who wants to talk it out but sometimes I don't know who I should go to. People can only sympathize but I gotta take care. I have tried so many ways of staying away from my phone but it doesn't work for more than two weeks because I need people. Loneliness will kill me in the 21st century where smart phones are the way people connect and well, that's the only way they want to connect. If you aren't on it trust me, 99% of the people will stop talking to you. Some of my friends often ask me why do you go offline every now and then? My answer to them is because I want to sulk and stay away from people for some time. Stay away from people who don't like it when I call them because they don't like talking over the phone. They like spreading their attention in four different directions on seven different applications to talk to the same six people!
The ones who know the truth get too bored of me calling them once or twice a week and want me back online because they want me to laugh at a troll they shared on my wall or want me to watch a video that was inspiring. And I start feeling lonely and left out.
Every second of my life, I think about my eyes and how scary it is. And the only thing that roams in my head is what a Pandit/ Priest once told me 'your right eye might suffer like the left.' I don't really believe in them but certain things they don't really leave you in fact, they haunt you!
As I type this I can't really see anything because tear drops are all over my spectacles while I hope somebody walks in, hugs me tight and tells me that 'I love you and it will work out!" I am tired of saying this to myself every day.
I don't remember the last time I saw things clearly. I really don't. I don't remember the last time I fucking saw my face clearly and told myself that I look beautiful! I don't remember the last time I did not have to justify to people that I don't drive because I have a problem in my eyes. I am just tired. Plain tired of being mocked at for holding my book too close, for being laughed at because I squint my eyes. For having a problem that I never realized existed. When you look at me I look like a normal girl with a pair of pretty eyes because boy, they are pretty! I know I should be thankful for the little that I can see because some people don't have that privilege either. And the ones who can see either mock or walk away. How I wish they knew the value of their eyes!
Remember Jaadu from 'koi mil gaya.' Why don't we have him in real life? Why? I'd ask him for nothing but a better vision or probably a day when I can see things the way they are. I long for that day when I'd walk in a room with confidence because I know exactly where everybody is. I will spot their faces properly and not squint my eyes. I have such big dreams but my eyes act as a hurdle but I still don't give up. I do exactly what normal people do while risking my eyes. I am still trying to illustrate every now and then. Write posts whenever I feel I can. I try to do everything that a person who can see properly does. I try my best not to give up and I will not because I know I was born to do something great. I know I will justify my name 'Prerna' and inspire people. I know I will and this post isn't a part of that. It's not. My dreams are grand and so are my efforts. I am slow because I can't see things the way you can but I try my best not to let that come in between.
Tears are flowing down my eyes because somehow a happy ending to this book will give me hope that things might turn out for me the way I want them to.
'If I'd just wait for the apples to ripen then I wouldn't have to go through so much pain.'
'Will you take me to the red bridge? And we'll drive up those streets, where all you see is the hood of the car and the sky!'
Amir who probably was like God to Sohrab said absolutely yes to the questions I just mentioned. In my case, God is my Amir and in my heart He says absolutely yes when I ask him if ever I can see the world clearly. Sohrab says he doesn't want to stay in an orphanage and Amir says he might have to. And he pleads and cries like I am doing now. And God says everything will be fine. You won't go blind and you won't suffer more. And I believe him for I walk in faith because my sight is kinda fucked up!
There is a quote where Amir says, 'that's how children deal with terror, they fall asleep'' If that's the case then I never grew up and I know I will because my belief surpasses my fear.
And now comes the part where Sohrab is in the operation theatre and I imagine myself in a hospital. My heart is thumping! As he lies on the hospital bed he says he is tired of everything. And I can't stop my tears and say 'I agree' every time Sohrab utters something! And now he says he wants his old life back. Somewhere deep inside my heart a voice screams- Me Too! I too want my old life back. The life where I did not have to squint. The life where I could see things the way they are. The life where there was clarity.
Sohrab wishes he wasn't picked from the water while I say, “how I wish I never grew up!” Amir says he can't give him his old life back but he asks, “Will you come with me? I have a solution.”
I get a similar answer in my head from the almighty. Though I am still looking for a solution.
In the end Sohrab smiles while Amir runs the kite for him. I believe there will be a similar end to my problem. I will smile and look around everything that seems strange yet beautiful because I see it the way it is after so many years while God runs my kite (life)
''If you have suffered more than your fair share of difficulties in life, perhaps you are being prepared to serve some greater purpose that will require you to be equipped with the wisdom you have acquired through your trials. Use these life lessons to fuel your future growth. Remember, happy people have experienced as much adversity as those who are unhappy. What sets them apart is that they have the good sense to manage their memories in a way that enriches their lives.''
''I would rather have the bravery to try something and then fail than never have tried it all. I would much prefer spending the rest of my days expanding my human frontiers and trying to make seemingly impossible probable than live a life of comfort, security and mediocrity.''
Those were my favorite lines from 'Who will cry when you die', a book that I read last night. These lines in specific define my life because despite my problem I never give up and I never will. And you too should not! Go! Be brave and leave the rest to your Best Friend-God!
And also, I'd request you all not to sympathize with me and tell me that everything will be fine. Because my faith screams that in future Pk won't just speak a lot better than today but she will see a lot better as well!
(Pk isn't allowed to apply kajal as in kohl that often but when she does she makes sure it's on fleak and her eyes are worth all the droll!)